Jokes

ARGHEHEHE!... Hey! that's all I could think of :(

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:53:27 GMT

Two women were chatting.

"My 15 year old son is getting to be a right little bastard, hanging about in a gang, never coming to visit his grandparents with me. Honestly, I sometimes think he wouldn't care if I died", the first woman said.

"I'm lucky in that respect", the second woman said, "My son is 22 now and loves his mother, he snuggles up on the sofa with me at night to watch TV, always gives me a kiss and hug whenever he is going out...

4 all u bigguts

feeds@yuku.com (Lupe DeLagotta) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 23:20:54 GMT

Once there was a boy named Rusty. He was 9 years old.

Rusty had a dog named Patches. Patches slept in a doghouse beneath Rusty's bedroom window.

One night, Patches couldn't sleep. He smelled a scary smell. "Bow-wow-wow!" barked Patches. "Bow-wow-wow! Bow-wow-wow! Bow-wow-wow! Bow-wow-wow!"

Rusty threw open the window. "Oh, no!" he cried. "The house is on fire! Mother! Father!"

Rusty felt the door as...

Here's one to squeeze your all ready shrunken brain

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:33:13 GMT

A Sultan ordered ten goldsmiths to make ten coins each. Each coin was to weigh exactly ten grams of pure gold.
One of the goldsmiths was a dishonest man. He decided to cheat. He made all his ten coins one gram short. Now the Sultan heard that one of the goldsmiths had cheated. He also heard that this man had made each of his coins one gram short.
The Sultan was a very clever man. He took a certain number of coins from each of the smiths, weighed them together once only and found...

A short fairy tale

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:18:48 GMT

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch. But it was a long time ago... and it was just the one day.

how to tell 1928 Mouton from 1928 Clerc Milon

feeds@yuku.com (Ep) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:44:28 GMT

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928...

Spielberg's Latest Project

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 17:34:46 GMT

Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie deep in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting the multitude of movie making equipment to the site were immense. On top of that, he had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.

The biggest expense was building an exact replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the...

guide to being a man

feeds@yuku.com (Ep) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 08:01:16 GMT

Guide to being a Man

1. Don't call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a...

Jack on New Years Eve

feeds@yuku.com (Ep) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 11:58:03 GMT

On New Year's Eve, Jack was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Jack.

Memories

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:27:09 GMT

Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and
Johnny Cash still with us. Now we have Obama but no Hope and no Cash.

History of Medicine

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 13:27:18 GMT

I have an earache.

1000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2009 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

10:00 Everywhere

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 13:24:10 GMT

In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In England, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

In Paris, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

And in Poland, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?

4 Jewish ladies

feeds@yuku.com (Ep) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 10:09:53 GMT

Four Jewish ladies were at restaurant having a luncheon.
The waiter checks back with them a few minutes after they were served; "ladies, is anything OK?"

2010- Year of the dog

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 23:05:32 GMT

In the early 1940's, Swiss inventor George de Mestral went on a walk with his dog. After arriving home, he saw that his pants and his dog's coat were covered with cockleburrs. When he looked at the burrs under a microscope, he discovered they have a natural hook-like shape, which became the basis for his invention of a unique, two-sided fastener --- one side with stiff "hooks" like the burrs and the other side with the soft "loops" like the fabric of his pants. The...

In cooperation with the CPSC

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 22:11:57 GMT

Consumer Product Safety Commission:
(for...

Good Will Towards Man ( some war time trivia)

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 21:24:14 GMT

The first truce began on Christmas Eve, 24 December 1914, when German troops began decorating the area around their trenches in the region of Ypres, Belgium, for Christmas. They began by placing candles on trees, then continued the celebration by singing Christmas carols, most notably Stille Nacht (Silent Night). The British troops in the trenches across from them responded by singing English carols. The two sides continued by shouting Christmas greetings to each other. Soon thereafter, there...

Who's Your Daddy?

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:24:30 GMT

Everyone has a role model that they look up to and admire. With this formula you will find that role model. Here's how...

FIRST, do the simple math below, THEN, scroll down to find your hero.

1) Pick your favorite number between 1 - 8

2) Multiply by 3, then

3) Add 3

4) Then AGAIN multiply by 3
(I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)

5 ) You'll get a 2 digit number.....

6 ) Add the...

Holiday Eating Tips

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 11:47:13 GMT

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table doesn't know dick shit of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every...

50 Completely Useless Facts

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 11:34:34 GMT

The longest fart recorded lasted 2 minutes and forty two seconds.

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions.

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is...

A Slow Day in Texas

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:07:23 GMT

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door...

Santa Claus Existence Debunked

feeds@yuku.com (Jack Splat) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:09:16 GMT

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of...