Lofty Cellar's World News ...A fifty-three-year-old Texas Research Scientist underwent emergency surgery today after castrating himself with a blunt paper knife. The man, a father of five, from Deep Butte, in Texas, told our reporters he did it to 'get right with the Lord', after repeated complaints from neighbors that his deep affection for their livestock was 'scaring the local kids.'
Even in a state which has a long and proud tradition of lonely old men molesting sheep, Ron Gittes, who asked to remain anonymous, but who lives at 427 Ewe Avenue (254-772-4470), stands out as a pervert of colossal proportions. "I started when I was a teenager," sobbed the remorseful father-of-five. "Like a lot of Texans, I just couldn't get laid by the local cheerleaders on account of the chastity pledges they'd taken so I started making out with sheep and things just kinda got out of hand until I was screwing pretty much anything on four legs and sometimes two."
"Two?" our reporter asked?
"Ostriches."
"So what made you take this drastic step?"
"I found this'm Baptist Church on that Internet thang where it said that if'n you want to git right with the Lord y'all gotta accept the Lamb of God as your saviour. Then it hit me. Jaysus H Christ! I'd been messin' with the Lord Himself! So I figured the only way to wash out my sins was to cut my balls off.
"Won't that make you less of a man?" our Lofty reporter asked.
"Wellthe way I figure it, tha President 'ain't got no balls neither and he's done OK, 'ain't he?"
Even in a state which has a long and proud tradition of lonely old men molesting sheep, Ron Gittes, who asked to remain anonymous, but who lives at 427 Ewe Avenue (254-772-4470), stands out as a pervert of colossal proportions. "I started when I was a teenager," sobbed the remorseful father-of-five. "Like a lot of Texans, I just couldn't get laid by the local cheerleaders on account of the chastity pledges they'd taken so I started making out with sheep and things just kinda got out of hand until I was screwing pretty much anything on four legs and sometimes two."
"Two?" our reporter asked?
"Ostriches."
"So what made you take this drastic step?"
"I found this'm Baptist Church on that Internet thang where it said that if'n you want to git right with the Lord y'all gotta accept the Lamb of God as your saviour. Then it hit me. Jaysus H Christ! I'd been messin' with the Lord Himself! So I figured the only way to wash out my sins was to cut my balls off.
"Won't that make you less of a man?" our Lofty reporter asked.
"Wellthe way I figure it, tha President 'ain't got no balls neither and he's done OK, 'ain't he?"

